Pizza rolls, envy, and the truth about Satan.

This is Satan. Some of you will understand. Some of you will not. And for those who understand, all I can say is I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.

*silent weeping*,
Victory

A moment to gloat like a stoat

Are rollover sneezes a thing?

      You know all those times when you wanted to sneeze, but nothing came out, so you just kind of sat there for an hour in pain with a miserable, twisted expression on your face and comically flared nostrils?

      What if all those not-quite-computed-sneezes ripped themselves out of your body at the exact same time as you sat there, unaware of what the universe had in store? Unaware that there is no such thing as a forgotten moment in space and time, no such thing as a noncontinuation of sneeze energy?

      Welcome to my life, dear readers. I may have internal bleeding from the force of these rollover sneezes.

Love and the snot bubbles are very, very, frighteningly real,
Victory

Let us talk of things like cabbages and teen angst and my super awesome special official Magic Guild position

      THINGS I WANT TO DO IN THE YEAR OF 2015

1. I want to compose the perfect Magic deck that will totally demolish all those silly boys (OK STORYTIME so my school established a Magic:The Gathering club and I was so excited and it turns out that I'm the only female there at the moment, so I'm a bit like little lost porpoise swimming in a sea of testosterone with a broken GPS and a box of Gobstoppers. However, I did manage to secure not only the position as official Secretary, but I am the official Snackmaster of the guild as well. Yes, that's a thing. Why? BECAUSE I MADE IT SO. Seriously, no one is going to dispute someone bringing snacks to every meeting. AND SO BEGINS MY CONQUEST OF THE WORLD, ONE DIABETIC NERD HERD AT A TIME)
2. I want to not die in school and secure my 5.1 GPA because I worked WAY too hard not to pull off my straight A's.
3. Yeah, that's pretty much it.
4. I want to not suck at League of Legends
5. I want a dragon
6. I realized number 5 is more attainable than number 4
7. This is no longer a neat and orderly list with a specific format
8. What am I doing with my life
9. Doctor Who is great
10. Snowballs 

Love and Arctic porpoises bundled up in hats throwing snowballs while riding dragons,
Victory

Greetings, I've returned from the depths of the NetherWorldVoid of Agony!

      If you've ever wanted to switch bodies with someone for a day, lemme tell you, if I pop up on the list of options, choose ANYONE but me. Please. I say this out of my love for your sanity, reader. May you never have to live the life of an IB student.  If you were thinking about pursuing that life, ask yourself whether your mental stability is worth saving a couple thousand dollars in college, and that's IF you a.) pass the exams and b.) your dream school accepts the credits you MIGHT earn. It's a tough way to scrape your academic living kids.

      Now, let's talk about addictions. Namely, the one that's been consuming my life for the past two months.

Eldrazi the Very Angry Caterpillar, Or, What a green worm with feet taught me about life, love, and screwing with nature (ok not really all of those just the last one.)

I'd like you all to meet Eldrazi.

 I didn't know what kind of caterpillar Eldrazi was at first..all I knew was he was a behemoth with a taste for tomato leaves; I decided to keep him. 

When I say behemoth, I mean it. He was about the length of my hand, hence his name. You know, because of Magic:The Gathering.

 

I wasn't sure what kind of Eldrazi he was specifically, but you get the idea. The whole thingamabisquit with massive size and being an annihilator. :3 Ah, if only I had an Ulamog in my deck...oh the havoc I would wreak...delicious...ANYWAYS

I made Eldrazi a little cage where I could observe him from. Since I didn't have a butterfly habitat conveniently lying around, I had to get creative.

 

Yes, that is a leg of pantyhose stuffed with a plate, a dismembered sour cream carton and tomato leaves. WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME PUNY MORTAL I AM THE GOD OF WORMS WITH FEETS

Anyhoo, Eldrazi was pretty chill with the whole transition. Just munched leaves. Caterpillar don't give no shiz. 

At first.

It's day 2- Eldrazi the big-arse caterpillar is really unhappy. He stopped eating and was restlessly pacing around his saucer. I hung him up outside hoping this disturbing behavior would cease.

I knew nothing of disturbing.

Just before I moved him, I hear the sound of ripping fabric. Do you know what that was?

ELDRAZI THE REALLY FRACKING ANGRY CATERPILLAR IS USING HIS STEEL PINSIRS TO TRY AND RIP AN OPENING IN THE ULTRA STRONG NYLON AND I AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND BECAUSE HE IS ABOUT TO SUCCEED

Lol nope.

He keeps trying to rip through when I move him outside.

 

IS THAT NOT TERRIFYING

Did I mention I still have no clue what species he is?

GUESS WHAT

HE'S A HAWKMOTH CATERPILLAR AND HE WILL BE BEAUTIFUL

I'm really worried when day three rolls around.

Eldrazi looked really sick. He wasn't moving and had turned a sickly yellow green color. His skin seemed to sag and was wrinkly. I felt like a terrible person.

I decided I needed to let him go free into the wild from whence he came for his sake.

And so he dropped to the ground, regained his healthy green color and started burrowing. 

WFT Eldrazi.

Apparently, hawkmoth caterpllars burrow into the earth when it's time for them to pupate, which means THAT IS WHY ELDRAZI WAS SO ANGRY THERE JUST WASN'T ANY DIRT TO BURROW INTO

I bid him farewell and good luck, and prayed I hadn't harmed his chances of survival throughout the long, cold winter.

Free pep talk. Because I ate all the donuts and a pep talk is all I have left.

      YOU ARE BETTER THAN A WORM BECUASE

1.) You have a spine. And spines are sexy.
2.)You have a pancreas. Also sexy.
3.) You can tell which end of you is your head.
4.) You won't be brutally pecked to death and have your innards torn out to feed the spawn of Aves. Unless, of course, you piss off a griffin. Don't piss off griffins kids. They don't like being pissed off.

      YOU ARE BETTER THAN A GHOST BECAUSE

1.) Dude, you're ALIVE.

      YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT ONE BIZNATCH YOU HATE BECAUSE

1.) You know that there are better ways to show you have some amount of money than wearing expensive yoga pants from Victoria's Secret 24/7 on your doughy dimply butt. Instead of making people hate you for your overexposure of your doughy dimply butt you would put that money towards something useful like feeding hungry animals or feeding cupcakes to your Biology class and then everyone will love you and adore you. Yoga pants? $60. Your own cult? PRICELESS.

2.) Coach bags don't even look good.

3.) That biznatch might have weaseled out a great grade on a project you slaved over and then screwed you over, but when the zombie apocalypse comes she'll be begging for your protection with your wicked machete skills. Which you will not give her. #zombiebait.

4.) She might have gotten the guy, but you got the herpes-free life. You=All the win.

5.) You're prettier. In every way. Yes, I'm talking to all the boys here. And the girls. Smile. Be sparkly inside and out. You're beautiful. :3

Love and sparkly narwhales,
Victory