Face it, we hear a lot of weird things in our lifetime. Like, a lot. But I betcha you have NEVER EVER EVER heard these before!!! LET THE MADNESS COMMENCE!
1. Just because you can feed genetically modified pumpkins to Swiss anacondas doesn't mean the Reagan Administration didn't suffer flatulence while doing the Robot.
2. My Mexican platypus thinks that the perfect first date gift to give to Shaniqua the Okapi is an albino grizzly bear. He won her heart in the end. No, like literally, the bear ripped out her heart and gave it to my Mexican platypus.
3. If a raccoon becomes a stripper in Ireland, how many jaguars does it take to apprehend Kim Jong Un in a sauna?
4. Ugandan armadillos make the best Star Bucks baristas. My mocha frappacino was absolutely divine.
5. I'm so pimp, my ride is a solar powered teacup.
6. Contrary to popular belief, vampires actually don't hang out at Lowes looking at washing machines and yes, they do have an unnatural piggy bank fetish.
7. Excuse me while I go gracefully ascend my potted lemon tree and proceed to do a Seductive Worm Dance.
8. I have a divine Mongolian entity that speaks to me, specifically in the hippocampus region of my brain. He told me to hijack all the ramen from yo mama's house.
9. Verbena is an amazing zombie deterrent if you can do Beyonce's "Single Ladies Dance" in the traditional Afghan style and then stuff the blossoms into the zombie right eye socket before you are devoured mercilessly in the full view of any and all King Sooper's staff.
10. If you hang upside down from a swing set, chances are that a Guatemalan rhinoceros is giving birth to a walrus in a linden tree. All you have to do is stare into the distance and listen for the sound of Mozart's "Symphony 25" This means the potato nursemaid has finally lost her mind looking at all the confetti, and you should run as far away from the sound as humanely possible.
There are 10 things you have never heard before! And if you have, well, you're lying.
Toodles, people. The FBI has prolly already tracked down the IP address and is proceeding to show Obama how this makes me a potential candidate for a future presidential election.
Love and bubbles,
Victory
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