Free pep talk. Because I ate all the donuts and a pep talk is all I have left.

      YOU ARE BETTER THAN A WORM BECUASE

1.) You have a spine. And spines are sexy.
2.)You have a pancreas. Also sexy.
3.) You can tell which end of you is your head.
4.) You won't be brutally pecked to death and have your innards torn out to feed the spawn of Aves. Unless, of course, you piss off a griffin. Don't piss off griffins kids. They don't like being pissed off.

      YOU ARE BETTER THAN A GHOST BECAUSE

1.) Dude, you're ALIVE.

      YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT ONE BIZNATCH YOU HATE BECAUSE

1.) You know that there are better ways to show you have some amount of money than wearing expensive yoga pants from Victoria's Secret 24/7 on your doughy dimply butt. Instead of making people hate you for your overexposure of your doughy dimply butt you would put that money towards something useful like feeding hungry animals or feeding cupcakes to your Biology class and then everyone will love you and adore you. Yoga pants? $60. Your own cult? PRICELESS.

2.) Coach bags don't even look good.

3.) That biznatch might have weaseled out a great grade on a project you slaved over and then screwed you over, but when the zombie apocalypse comes she'll be begging for your protection with your wicked machete skills. Which you will not give her. #zombiebait.

4.) She might have gotten the guy, but you got the herpes-free life. You=All the win.

5.) You're prettier. In every way. Yes, I'm talking to all the boys here. And the girls. Smile. Be sparkly inside and out. You're beautiful. :3

Love and sparkly narwhales,
Victory