Crappy Phone: A Eulogy

      So, the time has come to honor my first phone, that little battered Samsung Intensity, that miraculously tough little plastic and wire concoction.

      Goodbye, dear friend. You have been my constant companion these past 3 years. You have pulled me through so much. My bad years, my good years, and so much more. You were my communication device through my first love and heartbreak. You, my dear, survived being dropped into puddles, being thrown down the hall (Numerous times) and you were to Poland with me and returned (even though you didn't work at all there and just sat on my bag like a comatose slug, but that's OK. I had Facebook.)

      You simply refused to die. Even with your screen cracked and popped out, you stayed with me and functioned correctly (most of the time anyways). I appreciate that. You were the one stable, never erring, thing I had for years, and for that, I'm eternally grateful. (But now that I have a new Droid RAZR M, I am very content and now am even more aware of how much you sucked.)

Love and eulogizing technology,
Victory

Bitter Irony and Flaming Rainbows: OR What I learned about society from Robot Unicorn Attack.

      I was playing Robot Unicorn Attack today, and I couldn't help but notice about how deceptively hateful this game is. Just before you are about to start running in the land of bubbly joy and dolphins and sparkles without a care in the world, a menacing message pops up, something along the lines of "YOU WILL FAIL." Or, "YOU WILL DIE IN PAINFUL BLAZE OF FLAME AND SCORCHED FLESH WHILE THE GODS OF HATRED LAUGH AS YOU WRITHE IN AGONY." Or something like that. Then, after this cheerily presented message of doom, you are shoved into a world that is so deceitfully joyful and gentle and inviting, you question what the computer presented to you earlier. I hate this a lot.

      It is a lie.

      In a way, this atrocious distortion is like everyday life. You are presented a world brimming with hope and success, only to be given the threatening message "You will undoubtedly fail." We try to gallop through our lives despite this message, only to fall apart into a blaze of flame when presented with a seemingly impregnable obstacle. In this way, we allow these foreboding messages and expectation of failure to dictate our own success. It really isn't fair. This is why I prefer to play the Heavy Metal version. Sure, it's dark, twisted, and brimming with masochism, but at least I expect that. At least the messages of doom and despair actually match the digital world I'm about to enter. I suppose this is another way of saying I prefer a bitter truth than a beautifully disguised lie. There's a world you know that is full of pain yet honest, and another world created to be beautiful but yet deceitfully tears you down from the inside. Because honestly? Which one is truly more twisted, the ugly yet honest world, or the beautiful yet hopelessly flawed and psychologically deteriorating, deceptive world?

Think about it,
Victory

Identity theft and deeply frozen cats.

      HAI there, hacker! No doubt you think I'm beautiful, classy, and fabulous (and I'm not about to contradict you) but you know, just because I'm beautiful, classy and fabulous (as you obviously perceive me) doesn't mean you can hijack my account and do whatever the frack you want with my name. How miserable and pathetic are you to stoop that low? What do you get out of it, oh most clever one? I have no money, fame, or baby Guatemalan rhinos for you to take possession of.  I'm simply me, and if being me is better than being you in your opinion, why don't you fracking straighten up your act and become the person you want to be? Take a long hard look and the mirror, figure out what your gosh-dang fracking issue is, and grow up. Holy frack, you are acting like a pathetic, immature child who can't stand their own reality, so they throw a temper tantrum about how they don't WANNA be them, they wanna be FRACKING BATMAN MOMMYYYYYYYY. Well, tough luck you ludicrous moron. This is real life, and you aren't Batman. (Or if you are Batman and are pursuing me because you think I'm a threat to national security, you should know I am in no way affiliated with the Joker or Kim Jong Un. I have my own streets to run, my own cartels to supervise, and my own gangsters to lord over. I don't have my sights set on Gotham... *whistles innocently*)You are some imbecile with an identity crisis, so instead of taking mine, make your fracking own.

     That is all. And biznatch, don't come back. You forced me to use my knowledge of string theory and advanced astrophysics to create an impenetrable fortress of characters. Walk away before I sic my mom's ex-boyfriends on you. All of them. They are all cops. Every single one. Let your cranium dwell on that a good long while.

      Anyhoo, I would like to take a moment to e-hug all the people who DON'T want to steal my identity and instead satisfy themselves with just my rambling online. You, my friend, are cooler than liquid nitrogen. (at -320 degrees Fahrenheit, that is one cool cat. One rock solid, deeply frozen, completely frost-bitten and unthawable cat.)

      I want chocolate pudding. One without chunks of frozen cat. But sometimes that's just too much to ask for...this is my fridge we are talking about.

Love and cat pudding (please don't ever do this, I will cry.)
Victory

     

Victory’s Zombie Apocalypse Theory

      Since it is physically and scientifically impossible for an actual corpse to come back to life, the term “zombie” will be used to describe a human being with no control over their own actions, who is essentially a brain-dead creatures with only the most primal of instincts still guiding their actions and behavior.

 

            Rabies is a preventable viral disease of mammals most often transmitted through the bite of a rabid animal. The rabies virus infects the central nervous system, ultimately causing disease in the brain and death. The early symptoms of rabies in people are similar to that of many other illnesses, including fever, headache, and general weakness or discomfort. As the disease progresses, more specific symptoms appear and may include insomnia, anxiety, confusion, slight or partial paralysis, excitation, hallucinations, agitation, hypersalivation (increase in saliva), difficulty swallowing, and hydrophobia (fear of water). Death usually occurs within days of the onset of these symptoms.

 

            Rabies virus is part of the Rhabdoviridae family of viruses, under the genus Lyssavirus. The virus itself, like all members of Rhabdoviridae, is shaped like a bullet. Upon entering the body, it makes its way to the spinal cord via the peripheral nervous system's afferent nerves (nerves that carry impulses toward the CNS). Once the virus gets into the spinal cord, it's quickly sent up to the brain, where it begins replicating itself inside the mind's nerve cells, destroying them in the process. After it reaches the brain, the virus typically travels through the efferent nerves (nerves that carry impulses away from the CNS) to the salivary glands, which often causes increased salivation, or foaming at the mouth. It's important for the virus to do this, as this saliva is its principle method of transmission into new hosts. After hitting the salivary glands, the virus continues its way down throughout the rest of the body.

 

            There are actually several different strains of the virus, there are only two real physical variations. The most common is the encephalitic, or "furious," form of rabies. This is the mad-dog, foaming-at-the-mouth version, usually highlighted by increased agitation and aggression, disorientation and hallucinations. The other form, the paralytic or "dumb" form, is more peaceful, but no less deadly. With this version, the victim initially appears weary and lethargic.

 

            Both of these forms take place during rabies' acute stage, the point at which the virus has successfully infiltrated the body, symptoms have occurred and all hope for recovery is gone. As the virus makes its way throughout the body, lethargy soon turns to partial or almost total paralysis, then to coma and death.

            It's actually not uncommon for symptoms of both rabies forms to appear in a single case. If the person or animal doesn't die during the furious form, the virus will develop into the dumb form. Paralysis will occur, and the animal or person will slip into a coma and die, usually from respiratory paralysis.  (http://science.howstuffworks.com/zoology/all-about-animals/rabies1.htm)

 

            Look at society’s typical zombie; A slow, lethargic corpse that when senses the presence of another moving thing, becomes aggressive and attempt to attack and bite the offender as a way of spreading the virus.

            Rabies affects the human brain in a way that makes the host cannibalistic, aggressive, and irrational. Everything that moves is a potential target, and if that target is living it is the number one threat, and therefore will be eliminated. People affected with rabies are not mindful of their own actions, and therefore will not hesitate to kill and are less sensitive to pain, giving them the impression (to onlookers) of a ruthless being immune to pain and possessing extreme strength. Also, once a human has shown symptoms this severe, there is no cure. Death is imminent, and will occur a few days later, however, a great deal of damage can be done in those few days.

            As the host nears death, they will become slower and slower until total paralysis has occurred, which is then followed by a coma and then death, much like a pop-culture zombie slowly decays and become less agile, and falls apart after a while.

            Based on the fact that diseases can mutate depending on the host’s genome and the environment it is present in, it is a safe bet to assume that the zombie apocalypse will be caused by a mutated strain of rabies. Even a slight mutation in a virus can easily leave scientists scrambling to create a vaccine, even if a vaccine was previously created for the original virus. In the amount of time, it takes for a vaccine to be found, however short, the virus can be rapidly transmitted from human to animal to human, endangering every creature in the United States. Even then, there will be no cure, since no original rabies cure has been created. All the survivors can do is take a vaccine, hope it works, and try to eliminate as many zombies as possible in order to rebuild the population of America with healthy individuals. The cleanup will be long, difficult and messy, and traces of the virus will linger in the environment for a long time to come, threatening us with the chance of another epidemic if a passerby is infected by the traces that remain.

 

My Issues With Society, Rant 1: Dressing Rooms

Now, people think I'm incapable of being serious in any way. You know what biznatches? It's about to get fracking serious. Because today is  a day that took a suicide dive off the cliff of despair. Not only are people fracked up, so is my own opinion of myself. I just about showed the world 132 in binary. Smart people get that. Clueless people won't. Clueless people need to get their crap together because knowledge is power, and the world is the fracked up place it is because of the imbeciles that don't give enough of a frack to be informed about the condition of society around them. Where was I...oh yes, dressing rooms. There is no faster way to deteriorate a girl's self-esteem than to put her in a dressing room with a selection of jeans. If you don't know this about sapien females, we tend to zero in on whatever irrates our eyes the most. Everyone else is like "Oh, I don't see anything," and we're like "HOLY TARDIS OF GALLIFREY HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW ENORMOUS MY REAR IS?!?!?!" Yeah. You know why we're like this? Society. Society presents to us our goddesses on the cover of every magazine, every glossy image of perfection mocking us and taunting our flaws. We learn to hate our own beautiful imperfections because society deems it otherwise. Society presents us painfully small sizes in clothes and sneers at us when we can't fit. Society spits out megatons of media dictating us how we should look and how we should be. Society tears down the pride of a girl by giving her a number that "defines" her. Society forces that girl to look at every "flaw" she has that makes her unique and beautiful and say "I hate that." Let me ask you this society, since when is my worth defined by a number? Since when can all my intelligence, humor, wit, compassion, kindness, and POTENTIAL be defined by a number on the back tag of my shorts? Since when can ANY girl be treated like a possesion to be pressured, twisted and shaped into a mold you deem "beautiful"? And the worst part? The rest of the world goes along with it. So, anyone reading this, this is for you. I don't care if you're guy or girl, big, small, short, tall, "fat", "thin", "wierd", "normal", smart or not, "nerdy" or not....you all need to know how absolutely beautiful you all are. Think about it. Of all the organisms in the history or future of this entire universe, there is only one you. No one else ever had or ever will have your genetic code, hopes, dreams, ambitions, dissapointments, memories, experiences, loves, losses, pain, joy or scars. You are unique, and everything you deem a flaw is one of the many things that make you the beautiful masterpiece of ingenuity you are today. You are so, so beautiful. Believe me.

You will be so, so missed....

Whelp...today was the last day for our seniors here, and I will miss them all so, so much...especially a select few. Namely, the one person who I thought hated me ended up caring about me all along...it's so bittersweet, finding that out and then having to let it go.  But today, I renewed my faith in destiny. Because after all I learned today, I am left with the conclusion that everything happens for a reason and that if it truly meant to be, it will happen, however long it takes. It may take months, or even years, but it will come back to you. Today, my faith in that belief was restored, all thanks to the one who didn't end this chapter of my life with "Happily Never After" but with a "To Be Continued..." who knows? Maybe the last chapter's closing words will be "And they lived happily ever after."